13 Things I am Afraid to Admit Out Loud

I find it truly comical how much I have shared in this blog, because historically I am a pretty guarded and private person. The outlet this blog and my new-found passion for writing have brought me is priceless. Writing has allowed me to express and share things with myself and others in a way I never knew I could. Making sense of the mess swirling around in my head and translating in into words I can process and understand. And a lot of time share with you! I share a lot of things I write. I also write a lot I do not share, things I find too close. As a person, I have recognized that I keep a lot bottled in, for various reasons, but it is not working for me anymore. I want to share more, because we are not alone, and it sets me free.

13 THINGS I AM AFRAID TO TELL YOU

I doubt myself, a lot I have layers of confidence and strength. But I also have layers of insecurity and anxiety over things I cannot control. In those layers is where my self-doubt lives. Screaming at me every move I make, questioning if it is the right turn, if it is good enough, if I am making the right choices. I second guess myself because I am so afraid of letting anyone down, including myself. I realize we cannot control everything. In fact, trying to will drive you crazy. I realize all you can do is go with your gut, work hard, believe in yourself, and learn to let go, good things will come. BUT... it does not stop my self-doubt from creeping into those layers, exposing them when I least expect it. The fact that I realize it, yet still do it... bugs me. 

I do not know what I would do if my hair came back - would I really be me? This probably sounds crazy to a lot of people! Having alopecia and being bald does not define me, but I have grown into this skin so much. Alopecia has played such a role in who I have become today because of all it has taught me. It is not my only thing, but it is kinda my thing!?!! There are days I wish for my hair back, but If I my hair did grow back... would I really still be me??!!

I am afraid I will never find real, true, authentic lasting love Ugh, I hate to admit this one, and it seems cliché but woof, whatever. Yet I know it comes when you least expect it, and works in mysterious ways. However to me, it feels far too rare and impossible for me to find that match. *finds him tomorrow*

I've never felt as beautiful as my freaking beautiful friends

Hey high school and college friends, you are all b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l

I have always felt aesthetically inferior to you all, especially IN high school and college, so I found other ways to stand out. It taught me a lot and good things came out of it. Now, I do not feel that (as much), I have grown into owning who I am immensely since then (and have better style now thank god). The current me feels way more beautiful than she ever has, so this is a win.

I cry a lot, ew

I have never thought of myself as a crier or sensitive, but I kinda (totally) am, ew. I probably never recognized this sensitivity about myself because I never put it on display for other people (or myself) to recognize. I scolded myself when it came up and I would beat it back down, but I have let a lot of it out lately. This probably needed to happen. I have learned a lot more about myself the last two years, and sensitivity... this is one of them.

(okay I so not always cry **unless I am tired** but lets just say when it rains it freaking pours)

I do not feel as brave as people tell me I am

I feel brave, but not all the time, and definitely not as brave as some people say or make me out to be. Perhaps certain things just have not hit me yet, or I simply have a different perspective on things than other people do. It is second nature for me to roam a country or city alone, in theory or comparatively I 'know' that is brave, but I don't feel it like that. I see people I know do stuff I think is brave all the time, that they think is normal. My brave just does not seem to line up with society's traditional view of brave. Also I am told (by my mother) I am too hard on myself, which I know is true. I tend to discount a lot of my achievements in my own head, and I need to stop that. But it is hard.

I know in my heart I am a good friend but...

I have been gone a long time and while I do a good-ish job of keeping in touch, I worry it is not enough. That maybe some of my friends feel a little forgotten, or worse.. have forgotten (just a little) about me. I have used this time to really reflect on myself, I do not want my friends to mistake that as neglect. I think and talk about everyone (you know who you are) all the time. Everyone knows what each other is doing (thanks instagram), and they know how much I love them, but it isn't enough and I wish I was better about calling. I know my friendships have been built rock solid, but everyone's lives have gone on, how well will I fit in when I come back?

I do not call (talk to?) my parents enough

I try to not need anyone's help or approval and stick to myself. So historically I have closed off that channel all together instead of just the parts I felt the need to protect. I do not know why I do this, I have always been fiercely protective of my independence. As if one phone call is going to puncture my independence balloon. POP.

Sorry MJ and Pauly Q, I have tried to be better, love you!

(omg my mother is going to love this one so much, she is totally gonna write a comment about it)

I worry sometimes about being ’too much’

It is a load of B.S. I know to just be myself and forget everything else. But UGH, it is hard not to care about what other people think at times... (am I righttt?) Especially when you put so much of it out there like I do. I worry about things I share, 'Is it too personal?', 'did I say too much?' 'Is it too boring?' In truth I want to share more personal things I have written but then I question 'Is it too deep?' 'Is it too un relatable?'  'IS IT TOO MUCH?'

I fully know I should just do me and let anyone who doesn't like it show themselves to the door but.. a bit easier said than done eh?

I am so terrified of being normal, that sometimes I fear I try too hard NOT to be normal

In turn losing my sense of self and purpose in the first place. All the things that actually make me unique!! My biggest fear has always been not leading an interesting and meaningful life. Pretty sure all I have to do is whatever I freaking want to do and that will naturally happen for me because I know it lives inside of me. Most would say I have already ticked that box, I would not. Will I ever feel it is interesting or satisfying enough?

I am getting tired of traveling

WOAH ...... DID SHE JUST SAY THAT??

Hi, yup, sure did.

I’m so mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I am ready to have my own space and figure out my next move. This feels good to say, because I never knew if I would come to this point. Traveling is physically tiring, everyone knows this. It is also mentally and emotionally exhausting, all the planning and decision-making you make everyday. All the people you meet, goodbyes you give, trying situations you are put in, and time you have to your own thoughts (me lately... can you tell?).

I have seen so many wonderful things, had so many wonderful experiences. This trip has changed my life, its been my greatest accomplishment, and now it is time for my next chapter. My wanderlust tank is nearing E, it is in need of a recharge. But not quite yet, I have a few more things to see and then more details to come!

Currently, I've felt a bit lost

What is next for me? How can I take everything I have learned and productively apply it to my life? What will I do for a living when I get back? Where should I live? Do I need a car, how am I going to get one of those? Will I fall back into old habits I've sworn off? How can I make a living off of my passions? And which passion? Will I be happy?

How will I feel.. in general.. about EVERYTHING? 

I am ready to come back, I am ready for the next chapter, I just do not quite know what it looks like.. 

But I will figure it out.. always do

One day at a time

It is nerve-racking to hit post on this one But it feels good. Recognizing your weak spots does not make you weak, it makes you strong. I am working on a few more pieces like this that expound on the points above. Thank you to everyone that has allowed me to share my life with them!

Tell me, what is one thing you are afraid to admit?

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