Second Guessing Yourself
I second guess myself, a lot It is a habit I would love to kick, or at least control. I can come off quite certain, or powerful, or confident, or knowledgeable. And I am all those things. But maybe what you don't see, or more importantly what I do not tend to let show is... The times I do feel uncertain, or weak, or self-conscious, or all 'What the f*ck am I doing with me life HALP'
I tend to hide this part of me.
From loved ones, my blog, and even myself. I like to always be put together and strong. I get down on myself for feeling any other way than okay, so I try to hold it in. I am too hard on myself. But that is not the answer, caging these things up instead of setting them free.
I stress out or give my self anxiety over things I cannot control, or just shouldn't freaking worrying about. And I hate that I do. Yet controlling your worry, controlling your anxiety is TOUGH. It can be tough to share and it can be tough to be honest with yourself.
I work really hard to be honest with myself, it is something I am pretty good at. I am honest and self-aware. I know a lot about the things I want for myself out of life, I just do not always know how I am going to get there. I allow that to stress me out big time. To over think, over analyze, to take over my mind and throw myself into a fit of worry and anxiety over how I am going to get there.
Am I doing the right things?? Am I making the right choices to get there?? Is my blog good enough?? Should I write about this or that?? and there it goes again.. second guessing myself.
Second guessing yourself is less direct way of saying..
"Hey I am Colleen and I doubt myself sometimes"
Second guessing yourself AKA self doubt
Self doubt is the worst. (am i right?)
I have allowed self doubt to...
Affect my mood, infiltrate my confidence, and turn me into an insomniac.
When I chose to travel I pulled myself away from everything I knew, it gave me a lot of exposure to so many different ways I could achieve living my best life. This was a wonderful thing to learn. But funnily enough I think the overwhelming amount of choices caused my brain to go into over load with all the different things I could be doing.. or worse.. 'should' be doing (thanks society).
We all go through experiences in our lives that poke self doubt and fear into us. Causing us to second guess every decision or future decision we have to make.
Putting us in our self-doubt space ship, sending us into an outer-space of anxiety and 'what-if'.
(laughing out loud at that reference my fingers just typed, love it, was picturing myself in an actual space ship with 'self-doubt' written on the side)
When I get in my spaceship, I allow myself to forget all of the wonderful things I have created and will create for myself right here on earth if I can just go with my gut, stop doubting myself, and comparing myself to anyone other than ME. If I can just stay here on earth instead of letting myself go into space.
Why do I second guess myself all the time?
Probably because I just don't freaking want to settle, I want the best for myself, I do not want to let myself down, and I do not want to let all of the people in my life down, especially the ones who look up to me. I doubt myself so much because I am afraid of mis stepping.
But we cannot control everything and you cannot let it drive you crazy. You do not want to be the person making yourself crazy, or upset, or down! THAT is crazy.
All you can do is go with your gut, work hard, believe in yourself and control only the things that you actually can control.
Like for me, in this moment
I cannot control what I will do for a living, all the people who stare at me because I am bald, who I love, where I will live in the future, or how I will get there.
But I can control the attitude I have each day, my positivity, healthy living, enjoying where I am, and taking each day as it comes. All things I am working on (not without doses of failure) every day right now.
To kick that self doubt, and remember all the greatness you possess by just being yourself.
I have layers of confidence, strength, and positivity. I also have layers of self doubt, insecurity, and negativity.. like anyone else. It does not have to be one trait or the other, I think I forget this, I feel like I have to be good all the time. However a mixture of these things coexist in all of us. We simply only know the parts people allow us to see. In this new age we live in such a comparison culture. It can be hard to see or believe that not everyone has it together. No one is without flaws. No one is without insecurity. Everyone has their messy parts, no matter how put together their highlight reel looks. I live a very fortunate and awesome life, one I am so thankful for. However I have learned it is okay to not feel okay or confident all the time. I forget it os okay to be human. You will not always feel that way, and it allows you to learn your bigger picture. And part of that bigger picture is to just let go, be good, and good things will come to you.
I wanted to share this with you all, because I was feeling STRONG enough to share the MESS I sometimes am.
It feels boring of me to only share the good parts, I want to be someone who shares the messy parts of life too.
Because it is the messy parts that render life's beauty
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